Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
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- Create Date：2021-10-18 05:50:30
- Update Date：2025-09-06
- Status：finish
- Author：Esther Perel
- ISBN：0060753641
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Summary
A New York City therapist examines the paradoxical relationship between domesticity and sexual desire and explains what it takes to bring lust home。
One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence， Esther Perel offers a bold， provocative new take on intimacy and sex。 Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire， and explains what it takes to bring lust home。
Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist， Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire。 Through case studies and lively discussion， Perel demonstrates how more exciting， playful， and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships。 Wise， witty， and as revelatory as it is straightforward， Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love。
One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence， Esther Perel offers a bold， provocative new take on intimacy and sex。 Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire， and explains what it takes to bring lust home。
Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist， Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire。 Through case studies and lively discussion， Perel demonstrates how more exciting， playful， and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships。 Wise， witty， and as revelatory as it is straightforward， Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love。
Reviews
Nick Pinto
，
Four star insights with less inspiring writing。 I find the writing style to be awkward and mechanical。 Unfortunately， it distracts from the interesting subject matter。 For some reason， the aliases chosen for each case study always seemed distracting to me。
Misc
，
Amazing！
Cosmin Sipoş
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O introducere bună în ceea ce eu cred că va fi noua dinamică a sentimentelor pentru generațiile viitoare。 Paradigma dominantă se schimbă， luați și gustați puțin din viitorul care începe să se întâmple de pe acum。 Pe alocuri lipsită de sevă， uneori te face să mai treci prin ea și pe diagonală， însă punctează anumite lucruri esențiale despre asumarea unei relații și a individualității "celuilalt" - meaning anyone。 It's not a psychological kink， dar te ajută să mai deschizi câteva ferestre ale minț O introducere bună în ceea ce eu cred că va fi noua dinamică a sentimentelor pentru generațiile viitoare。 Paradigma dominantă se schimbă， luați și gustați puțin din viitorul care începe să se întâmple de pe acum。 Pe alocuri lipsită de sevă， uneori te face să mai treci prin ea și pe diagonală， însă punctează anumite lucruri esențiale despre asumarea unei relații și a individualității "celuilalt" - meaning anyone。 It's not a psychological kink， dar te ajută să mai deschizi câteva ferestre ale minții， deci e plăcută。 。。。more
Nathan De
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In this book Esther Perel very eloquently writes about the ingrained tension between the stability that long-term relationships bring and the dwindling sexual desire that thrives on the mysterious and the unknown。 This book is an answer to the question: "But can we have both？"。 The answer is YES。 However， as in all things in life， we will have to work for it。 Through many interesting stories from the couples Esther sees in therapy the reader is guided through the many obstacles that block potent In this book Esther Perel very eloquently writes about the ingrained tension between the stability that long-term relationships bring and the dwindling sexual desire that thrives on the mysterious and the unknown。 This book is an answer to the question: "But can we have both？"。 The answer is YES。 However， as in all things in life， we will have to work for it。 Through many interesting stories from the couples Esther sees in therapy the reader is guided through the many obstacles that block potential solutions。 There are many taboos， unconscious assumptions and beliefs surrounding sex and long-term relationships。 A big part of therapy is to unearth and potentially address those。 The main one being that desire and sex need to be spontaneous and effortless， like they were in the beginning of the relationship when the flame of passion was running hot。 However， as she correctly points out， this was never the case and involved a lot of preparation and intent。 So， by intentionally setting the table， creating some space （date night） and introducing some mystery and play into the relationship， it is possible to rekindle the flame or keep the fire burning。 。。。more
Leonie
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Thoughtprovoking。
Brandy
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Mind blowing
Helen Hunt
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Miskipärast pole julgenud（？） Pereli raamatuid lugeda， aga see oli küll üks väga huvitav raamat。Teemad， mida paljud kindlasti ei julge isegi oma peas läbi mõelda。 Põnev lugemine， kindel soovitus。Mõned huvitavad tsitaadid:"While love promises us relief from aloneness， it also heightens our dependence on one person。""When we love we always risk the possibility of loss—by criticism， rejection， separation， and ultimately death—regardless of how hard we try to defend against it。""Marriage is imperfect Miskipärast pole julgenud（？） Pereli raamatuid lugeda， aga see oli küll üks väga huvitav raamat。Teemad， mida paljud kindlasti ei julge isegi oma peas läbi mõelda。 Põnev lugemine， kindel soovitus。Mõned huvitavad tsitaadid:"While love promises us relief from aloneness， it also heightens our dependence on one person。""When we love we always risk the possibility of loss—by criticism， rejection， separation， and ultimately death—regardless of how hard we try to defend against it。""Marriage is imperfect。 We start with a desire for oneness， and then we discover our differences。 Our fears are aroused by the prospect of all the things we’re never going to have。 We fight。 We withdraw。 We blame our partners for failing to make us whole。 We look elsewhere。 Sadly， too many of us stay stuck in this place until we’re bald or gray。 Others mourn the loss of the dream， then come to terms with the choice they made。 Love is anchored in acceptance" 。。。more
Michelle
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I listened to this as an audiobook but I think it would be better in physical form to help your brain put the info into categories。 As it was， I thought some of the info was redundant。 I did enjoy hearing about each individual couples and I thought she provided some practical and useful advice。
Tia
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Sometimes a little bit theoretical and psychoanalytical， I think， but still good。
Rose
，
An illuminating， non-judgmental read tackling the idea of sexuality， excitement， eroticism and long term love/romance。 Through case studies and commentary， Esther Perel invites you to question your existing assumptions of "loveless marriage" and the security of long term relationships。 A great read for anyone， regardless of your relationship status。 An illuminating， non-judgmental read tackling the idea of sexuality， excitement， eroticism and long term love/romance。 Through case studies and commentary， Esther Perel invites you to question your existing assumptions of "loveless marriage" and the security of long term relationships。 A great read for anyone， regardless of your relationship status。 。。。more
Manal Hamdi
，
Interesting ideas， but did not provide very actionable solutions。 The book is more in the format of report issues and narrating therapy sessions。
Genevieve
，
Very enlightening anecdotes but struggles to back their stories with much cited data。 Though other books have filled this gap in her research。 Overall， extremely useful and probably a staple for people in long term committed relationships。
Courtney
，
A series of anecdotes with no scientific background or discussion。 Perel will mention that opposing opinions exist but doesn't bother to refute or address those opinions。 She sounds like she is a good therapist， but I'm not sure what she intended with this book。 My best guess is that she expects people to read it and see themselves in the couples discussed so that they may say "Oh， so I'm not alone！"。 There are some take-home strategies if you are in need of such thing。Overall， if I were to summ A series of anecdotes with no scientific background or discussion。 Perel will mention that opposing opinions exist but doesn't bother to refute or address those opinions。 She sounds like she is a good therapist， but I'm not sure what she intended with this book。 My best guess is that she expects people to read it and see themselves in the couples discussed so that they may say "Oh， so I'm not alone！"。 There are some take-home strategies if you are in need of such thing。Overall， if I were to summarize it would be as such:Marriage （commitment） and Eroticism （sexy-sex） don't play well together。 To light a fire under your marriage， you have to create distance， tension， a sense of danger， or all of these things。 Basically， when we become to comfortable with someone the "fun" goes away。 。。。more
tiger lily
，
I learned about Esther from her TED talks， so it's probably important to note that I didn't pick this up because I have the problems this book seeks to solve。 I actually feel like this is advice on how to be a worse person。Create emotional distance; flirt with other people。 Lowkey make each other a little insecure， just to keep them on their toes。I can't help but imagine these behaviors resulting break-ups with much more frequency than a stronger relationship。 But this book doesn't seem to be ab I learned about Esther from her TED talks， so it's probably important to note that I didn't pick this up because I have the problems this book seeks to solve。 I actually feel like this is advice on how to be a worse person。Create emotional distance; flirt with other people。 Lowkey make each other a little insecure， just to keep them on their toes。I can't help but imagine these behaviors resulting break-ups with much more frequency than a stronger relationship。 But this book doesn't seem to be about that anyway。 This feels like relationship advice for couples who have become so bored with the luxuries of having a person who loves them， home， career， children， etc， that they must undertake the task of CREATING problems - creating anxiety， fear， jealousy， insecurity - in a desperate will to keep the relationship exciting。It feels relevant to point out that this book has a chapter called， "The Shadow of the Third: Rethinking Fidelity"。 She has also a book entitled "The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity"。Sorry， inviting a "third" into my relationship and questioning fidelity aren't about to become passtimes for me。 Hard pass。 。。。more
Simply Bibliophiles
，
Whether you are in a relationship or not， single， coupled and monogamous， coupled and not monogamous， you need to read this book！As effortless and seamless as you can make the topic of common relationship woes， desire， and sex （this takes talent， folks）， Esther Perel wins with Mating in Captivity， hands down！ Contributing to both its complexity and ingenuity， Perel breaks down topics related to erotic intelligence while also， intertwining stories of patients she has had as a psychotherapist。 Cou Whether you are in a relationship or not， single， coupled and monogamous， coupled and not monogamous， you need to read this book！As effortless and seamless as you can make the topic of common relationship woes， desire， and sex （this takes talent， folks）， Esther Perel wins with Mating in Captivity， hands down！ Contributing to both its complexity and ingenuity， Perel breaks down topics related to erotic intelligence while also， intertwining stories of patients she has had as a psychotherapist。 Coupled together （see what I did there？！）， she outlines some of the current literature surrounding sex， desire and monogamy， while also breaking down some of the myths and misconceptions， that her patients， （along with the rest of us） have about sex， coupling and the disclose of one’s innermost desires and fantasies。 The stories of her patients outlined in the book， ultimately， provide a complete portrait of how these misconceptions and myths can play out in real couples， experiencing real life。 Furthermore， the book overall adds nuance to story， adding complexity to perhaps prevent the reader from passing judgement about what may appear as black and white， “right” versus “wrong”。 Insert here: the complications of maintaining intimacy， desire， and intrigue in the midst of jobs， kids， complacency， changes in sex drive， affairs， unresolved trauma， and the list keeps going。We always hear the phrase: “Love is complicated”。 （Which it is， but， we new material， people！）But as Perel outlines… so is sex。 So is desire。 So is the ability （or inability） to communicate our innermost desires and sexual fantasies with partners whom we both want to be comfortable with but also fear full disclosure and seek to achieve a form of separateness from。 So is the ability to determine how the past influences the present。 So is the ability to listen to one another， with what we say and what we desire。EXCELLENT， EXCELLENT READ！ 5/5 。。。more
Katie
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This book destroyed & rebuilt me， as all the best books do。 If you are， want to be， or have ever been a lover， do yourself a favor and read this book。
Ashe Magalhaes
，
Overlap with State of Affairs （which I read first） but still very good
Eric
，
A pretty interesting "how-to" on sexual dysfunction。 One can certainly see it as a valuable adjunct to professional help to test the therapist's efficacy。 A pretty interesting "how-to" on sexual dysfunction。 One can certainly see it as a valuable adjunct to professional help to test the therapist's efficacy。 。。。more
a
，
1。5 starsdnf i've seen enough。 may return to read about the couples' experiences because those are interesting。 i'm not confident in EP's skill as a couple's therapist based on this book。 i hope she has grown enormously in her skill as a therapist， thinker and critical person。 i want everyone who's requested this book and audiobooks from various libraries to know that if they're looking for a book on how to navigate polyamory， this is not it。 EP coddles men and their inability to use their words 1。5 starsdnf i've seen enough。 may return to read about the couples' experiences because those are interesting。 i'm not confident in EP's skill as a couple's therapist based on this book。 i hope she has grown enormously in her skill as a therapist， thinker and critical person。 i want everyone who's requested this book and audiobooks from various libraries to know that if they're looking for a book on how to navigate polyamory， this is not it。 EP coddles men and their inability to use their words。 。。。more
Kara
，
Recommended to anyone who wants a relationship or sex at any point in their life
Megan
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Really interesting way to think about intimacy。 Goes into the secret barriers and break downs we experience when attempting to get closer to people and how to overcome those or， rather， how to understand ourselves to get closer in our relationships。
Katherine Nally
，
I’ve learned that love is about togetherness， and desire is about separateness， and that’s why maintaining desire in long term relationships is often difficult。 And children make it even more difficult。Most of the book is told through case studies of anonymized therapy clients of hers， and it’s very interesting。
Jessica Biggs
，
5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️Inspiring book about what it means to be in a long term relationship and how to be intentional in your relationship
Charlotte
，
Esther Perel is brilliant and forward thinking。 I loved this book and am sure I’ll revisit it。 It was a bit hetero- and cis-normative at times。 As a polyamorous person， it was interesting how I didn’t find myself frustrated that more non-monogamous couples weren’t featured; instead I was grateful for this super accessible book for monogamous folks finding the desire for “more” in any sense of the word。 This book can really meet people where they are。
Arthur O'Kelly
，
🤯🤯🤯
Amy
，
The author chooses to read her own book， and she has a heavy accent。 Sadly， that means my husband was unable to listen with me， since it's difficult and takes time to be about to clearly hear what the narrator/author was saying。 The author chooses to read her own book， and she has a heavy accent。 Sadly， that means my husband was unable to listen with me， since it's difficult and takes time to be about to clearly hear what the narrator/author was saying。 。。。more
Carmen Alcañiz
，
Watching the Ted Talk is enough
Tegan
，
Meh。 Read this because a friend challenged me to read something different。 I’m a fan of Perel’s relationship podcast， so I figured why not？It was v repetitive。 There was some good insight， but I think I got everything I was going to get out of it in the first two chapters。
She is standing on my eyelids
，
"。。。 I can’t imagine saying to her， ‘Your body belongs to me whether I want it or not。'” 。。。validating the erotic separateness of our partner。It follows that our partner’s sexuality does not belong to us。 It isn’t just for and about us， 。。。This reluctance is often a covert expression of an infantile wish to be loved just as we are， without any effort whatsoever on our part， because we’re so special。Animals have sex; eroticism is exclusively human。 It is sexuality transformed by the imagination。 "。。。 I can’t imagine saying to her， ‘Your body belongs to me whether I want it or not。'” 。。。validating the erotic separateness of our partner。It follows that our partner’s sexuality does not belong to us。 It isn’t just for and about us， 。。。This reluctance is often a covert expression of an infantile wish to be loved just as we are， without any effort whatsoever on our part， because we’re so special。Animals have sex; eroticism is exclusively human。 It is sexuality transformed by the imagination。 Every morning， Leo tells his wife how lucky he is to be married to her， and he still means it after more than fifty years。 。。。 commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life: time。 There’s always a place they haven’t gone yet， always something about the other still to be discovered。 。。。more
Zenae Zukowski
，